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Strength in Vulnerability: Let A Queen Cry

comic-cryingI have always been a firm believer that things happen for a reason, and that there are always lessons to learn. A more recent mantra of mine has been that ‘everything is unfolding as it should’.

So this week when I was floored with a temperature, two sick kids, a $700 fee to reclaim my car (which was towed due to aforementioned sickness), and a cancelled weekend of hanging with an old girlfriend and her kiddies, I understandably struggled to see the silver lining.

It’s as if I didn’t know my life was resting on a final straw, until that straw snapped.

Let me paint the picture for you. These last six months have been incredibly hard, but after a few months of struggling to find my way, I picked myself up, gave myself a pep talk, and mustered up my best ‘let’s get the fuck on with it’ attitude. There were tremendous speed bumps along the way: huge fallings out with my ex, days when my bank account got as low as $13 and I didn’t know how I was going to survive the week, trying to hold down an amazing job that I adored whilst constantly having to leave early or arrive late due to sick children and single mum dramas… the list goes on.

I was determined to be independent and fight the good fight though. I never once asked anyone for money, I worked into the evenings always making sure that I got my work and my hours done despite sick children and the dramas of my life, I endured the emotional rollercoaster of liaising with my ex to find an approach that ensured the maximum level of safety and happiness for my children, I put my house on the market in a bid to cover debts and get into a more financially stable situation.

Buteye-crying when this week hit, I just crumbled. Sitting feverish and queasy alone in the street, with no car, no money to get my car back, and no family locally to come get me, I felt defeated. All I could do was call my parents and do the one thing I’d worked so tirelessly these last few months to not have to do… ask for money.

I felt like such a failure, and it dawned on me that I can’t do this by myself.

Sitting with this feeling for a few days now, I think I have stumbled upon my lesson: to let go. I have been fighting so hard to swim up stream, and it took me losing all my energy to realise just how much I was putting into doing this. Perhaps some fights don’t need to be fought. Perhaps some things are out of my control and are better to be accepted than constantly challenged. Perhaps from this point on, it’s best to take the road of least resistance and just surrender to it.

To be a glorious independent Queen, I thought I needed a strong warrior stance and a fierce ‘fuck you’ roar, but maybe that’s just hurting me more.

To sum up what I am trying to say in a more eloquent and picturesque fashion, I want to leave you with a page from my ‘Instant Happy’ book by Karen Salmansohn. Perhaps this affirmation may speak to some of you Queens too.

Tree in the wind